It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
