i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
