Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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