It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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