As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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