did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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