I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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