Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
