Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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