It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Boobs speak an international language.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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