What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Is Oprah even human
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
