the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
