I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
