i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
