thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
