I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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