the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize