so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
