dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
