just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
