In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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