glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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