yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
