So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
