And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
