If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
