Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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