Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
