You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
