You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
