I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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