How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize