I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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