Plan B is the new Plan A
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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