He is such a slut. More and more my type.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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