did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
