Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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