Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize
