My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
