im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
