I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
