i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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