omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize