New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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