I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
