You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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