He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
