Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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