the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
