She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
