Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
