watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
my liver is dry heaving
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
