everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think people are normalizing furries
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
