my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
