so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize