i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
