There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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