My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
