just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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