Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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