I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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