i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
