What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I didn't notice because vodka
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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